I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
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Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
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Me: Same
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.