time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
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me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
me when i see my girls butt
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.