Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
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I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”