My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
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Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE