When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
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There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
I thought this was funny lol
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?