Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
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Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
It do be feeling this way.
my one true gender
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?