Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
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Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad