My dad is at it again
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Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
I really had high hopes for this year though
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.