In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
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Chemical wingman
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.