What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
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When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
dude it’s called proctologist
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Easy enough.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
My kitchen overserved me.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute