Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
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*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
So, can we agree on 4 or
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst