My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
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I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!