They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
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You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?