Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
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Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Woke up against my better judgement again
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
SF is the wild wild west man
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃