Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
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The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Okey dokey.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.