You should be tunashamed of yourself!
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I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
jesus christ confetti not now
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
God has left this place
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.