Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
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If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
lol
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Did I do this right
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.