Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
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Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on: