I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
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“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
man i love columbo
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.