One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
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What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do