*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
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Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Lmao 🤣
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go