Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
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YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
adam and eve had first world problems
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”