Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
You Might Also Like
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate