Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
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When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes