[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
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Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.