I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
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some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.