“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
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My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life