Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
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ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.