GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
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Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
⛄️
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
excuse me
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
😆this is so true
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate