Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
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I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
These aliens are taking forever.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”