My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
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told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Cats are still liquid.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”