*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
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I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
I hope this email punches you square in the face
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus