Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
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SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Saturday