St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
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For the orator and chef in all of us
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”