Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
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Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.