I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
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You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO