me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
You Might Also Like
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.