I’d … I’d rather not.
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NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Unimpressed
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken