[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
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Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant