Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
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I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
There is wisdom there.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled