What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. š
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is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think youāre gonna like whatās inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDNāT! {breaks it open} Itās just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: Iām here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. Thatās just a piece of paper that says āIām sorryā and āyou were rightā
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night š
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
I apparently said ākeratinā instead of āketamineā when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because Iām not a table*
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
A little too much information.