Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
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You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]