That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
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You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
me and the Superbowl rn