People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
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[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
you gotta be faster
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably