The 6 types of sex
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People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.