Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
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According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5