Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
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“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Close call…
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems