I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
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Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.