I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
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My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
I’d rather fork than spoon.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
And bowling should be called pinball
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.