ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
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Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”